CALVIN PISSING ON CALVIN PISSING ON CALVIN PISSING ON CALVIN PISSING ON CALVIN

imbonerable

2009-09-08T06:30:43Z

i had this lame dream last night that was like a prelude to a hormone/chemically imbalanced day.
the dream involved me and some people hunting pedophiles in chicago.. we caught the main guy, and the kid he held captive was adopted by my grandma. since grandma can't relate to children as people, i wa sthe one who had to try and talk to the kid. it was christmas, and we were supposed to be shopping or something, but the kid just stayed in the car. so i went to the car and was like, hey kid, why don't you come inside and we'll like.. do whatever. it's christmas, you know? do you like.. anything? cupcakes?
but he didn't like cupcakes or anything normal people liked. he kept morphing from baby to female child to young teenage boy. we went inside and there was santa, and he had never seen santa, so i was like.. hey, say hello to santa. but it wanted sexual attention from santa, and i was like oh no, not like that, oh no oh no.
the kid morphed into teenage boy and we were going for a walk, and i realized as we spoke, that he was severely fucked up beyond recovery, and was probably going to kill himself by adulthood.

when i was trying to study through my stupid cold, i was going over "flagella" and i was like, crap, what if i was pregnant for too long and didn't know until it was too late, (stupid shit to think about), and what would i do? and i had an image of a shotgun in my mouth, me with a distended belly, andblahblahblah stupid shit i worry about because i was too caffeinated and just fucking weird in the head.

but the night ended well with blueberry muffins and a few beers for my cold, and i made a rabbit-cannon/unicorn/dragon out of wood from jake's architecture class.

in contrast to my dream, my dad says he dreamt that i had a house on the beach,a nd though it was built on sand, my house had a concrete foundation. it was only 6 feet high inside, and there was no electricity, but i had candles and was ON THE BEACH in a cul de sac, and there was a nice street in the town with shops and stuff, and it all sounded pretty fitting.

so we'll pretend that's going to be reality some day. with a terrier farm.

FOR LUNA

2009-08-26T17:51:36Z

PUNKY DUNK AND THE SPOTTED PUP

2008-03-23T08:52:17Z

There's nothing wrong with our society's present state. There's absolutely no need to protest. Here. He's a kitty. A tranquil, compliant little kitty.
Punky Dunk was a happy little kitty who rolled around in the sun and wrote poems about butterfly wisdom. He led a peaceful, tranquil existence, and everything was good. The girl chylde would put ribbons around his neck and he never once accidentally choked himself or got caught on tree branches.

Then one day, something strange happened. A man in a blue suit who never looked where he was going came trotting along with a big crate and something mysterious inside of it.

Punky Dunk went to inspect the crate. A small puppy with a thick russian accent told him a story of how he was held prisoner for 14 years, and was finally bought off by the americans. This spotted pup was a lying braggard, and he had no taste for butterfly wisdom.

But the girl believed everything he said. She gobbled it up like there was a sale on bullshit. Punky Dunk would practice letting long rivulets of spit down from her mouth over the spotted pup's head, then would suck them back up and laugh mercilessly.
The spotted pup vowed to seek revenge as soon as he was released from his prison of torment.

Punky Dunky tried to pay off the girl chylde to get rid of the pup, but the girl just crouched there staring him in the face like the drooling idiot she was. "Meow, I'm going to have to meow take matters into my own paws meow", thought Punky Dunk.

When Punky Dunk least expected it, the spotted pup confronted the kitten with the bones of his relatives. "I piss on the grave of your forefathers, ha ha ha!!"
Punky Dunk summoned all the electricity he could from the base of his follicles, a trick he learned at stolkhom's school for augurs, and prepared for an attack.

But the horrible girl chylde, a strong believer in peace and drugs, interfered with her medicated string and tricked out ball that got the fuzzy creatures so fucking high that they couldn't remember who they were, what they were doing, or why they existed.

Now that they were medically lobotomized, they could talk for hours about bows and butterflies and everything was peaceful and stupid for an eternity. They even built a dog house together and would have unprotected sex in it. They never managed to put a door in it because they have no thumbs. How they constructed the rest of it is a mystery that can only be explained by the magic of the mystical medicated string. They sat around and consulted the I Ching about what to name their children for hours and hours. They came to discover that they were both males anyway, and that the whole prospect of a future generation was impossible and stupid anyway. Their constant drug use left the house litterred with unpaid barnes and nobles credit cards, and they never did anything from then on but watch reruns of the simpsons.
And this is why I hate the government.

misery loves company

2007-10-28T11:02:45Z

DIAGNOSIS LOLGURT

2007-07-23T23:43:44Z

i'm doing a report on women's roles, and whenever i do reports i end up making alternate reports of what i really want to do very badly but know that it won't fly over because i'm not in art school or school for autistics or anything like that.

so here's my presentation on women's roles for the internet, aka IMAGINATIONLAND FREEWAY PARTY WITH MEMORY FOAM AND WOMB NOISE:

as you can see, women were perpetually bored and just thought about what it would be like if they could take pictures of themselves for something like myspace

so they'd argue idly about little things like, who had seen estelle's favorite bone comb, and are you sure the maid didn't take it, and are you suire you aren't the maid, and how do you know you're really you and not a bone comb yourself?

"PLZ MUMMY MAY I HAVE ANOTHER WAIFER"
"YES CHARLES YOU MAY"
so they eventually had kids and they'd faun over it until it grew to hate them.

but he will always look back on the time \his mummy took him to step on the mollusks.

then she grew fat and was ignored for the rest of her life
they eventually died around the age of 45 of some king of disease that only dainties get, like terminal daintyness.

alternately:
"MUMMY MAY I PLEAAAASE HAVE SOME MORE LEAD POISONING??? MUMMY PLEASE!"
"OK LUCIO, BUT THIS IS YOUR LAST ONE
FREDERICK LUCIO SANTIAGO MEMBRANE THE 5TH, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SQUEALING LIKE GRINDING PORK!?!!!!"

CHALICE VALISE CORDOUROY WOP BOP ALOOBOP A WOP BAM BOOM OF THE ARGONAUTS!!!!!!!

and in the end, leah's boobs:

locknloll @ 2007-07-23T04:59:00

2007-07-23T12:03:51Z

mehico21: And Neil was al "oh, look, a fight"
mehico21: and some girl is hitting this guy and he is laughing in her face
mehico21: did I tell you this already? I feel like I told somoene this already.
maldor0r: no
mehico21: Oh, so I looked and went HAHA but I was on drugs so I lost interest.
maldor0r: hahaha
mehico21: And then a minute or so later one of those giant things goes by.
maldor0r: giant things?
mehico21: You know like, in cartoons
maldor0r: hahaha
maldor0r: an anvil?
mehico21: when there is a fight
maldor0r: a fist?
maldor0r: and a wall of lightning?
maldor0r: and stars?
mehico21: and it's just a dust cloud with fists and legs coming out
maldor0r: haha oh
mehico21: like this
mehico21: But like, no one in the fight had anything to do with it
mehico21: it was all tehse bad ass asians that hang around outside the club CUS IT IS A ROCK CLUB
mehico21: and they wanna start fights with ROCKERS
mehico21: But yeah, there were like, a million cops and then all these asians
mehico21: and ten I got punched and my friend did too
mehico21: and then all of these people were like "EVERYONE INSIDE"
mehico21: but we couldnt cus someone was throwing the barrier
mehico21: it was fun
mehico21: Oh, when I say Asian I don't mean Chinese peolpe.
mehico21: Oh, and then I went inside
mehico21: and looked into the back room
mehico21: and there's some chick lying on the table
mehico21: And theres this huge crowd around
mehico21: and (i think, i dont really remember) that she had blood all over her face and was masturbating
mehico21: and then somebody threw a bottle at us
maldor0r: hahah NO WAU SHUIT UP
mehico21: and the police were EVERYWHERE
mehico21: And then that hot chip song that goes "over and over and over and over" came on and Levii was all "OMGZ LETS DANCE"
mehico21: And cus I was on drugs, I was like YEAH
mehico21: without even looking at what happened
mehico21:
OK, now I want you to imagine this song really loud, and me and Levii are in the middle of the dancefloor and we're on drugs and there's cops EVERYWHERE and we just DANCE and the bit where it goes "under and under and under" we're crawling under eachothers legs but at all other times we're either crumping or dancing all sleazy like Rickie Martin or something.
mehico21: K?
maldor0r: is life over there MTV2 I R L?
maldor0r: 24/7?
maldor0r: cuz that's what it seems like
mehico21: I R L????
maldor0r: IN
maldor0r: REAL
maldor0r: L;IFE1
mehico21: OHHH
mehico21: YES IT IS

radio birdman

2007-06-21T12:29:36Z

WOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW i should have been drunker for that.

and hey, baby, you out there with the pointy shoes - i think you had glasses, good taste, good 6' or so height, i caught you looking away when i looked back... i just want you to know, i should have groped you on my way out, but i didn't. i'm sorry.

but i was groped and humped today by a 5'4 iranian man at a gas station by the magazine rack as customers walked in. no kidding. why? what else would i have to talk about otherwise? what else would that man walking in have to exfoliate his own dick with (puke) later?

max fox told us about a movie he's going to make that sounds a lot like quantum leap, only he's never seen quantum leap. it's about a guy at some intense voodoo ritual, i forget why, but he's there and i guess he wants to bring some guy back from the dead, and he and the voodoo priest are chanting and he has to close his eyes.. and the priest slits his throat and he's dead. and the underworld is actually nothing like what they said it would be like, but very interesting none the less. and uh, something about spirits just floating around and, somehow if you look too long into someone's eyes, you enter their body. so the tale is about his spirit in a number of bodies and situations, only when you switch from body to body.. the person vomits. it was very intense when he described it. so later on during our meal and some other conversation, i just looked at him in the eye and said "i just wanna look you in the eye and puke" and that was somehow really charming to me.

and i love steve albini, and girls who sing italian songs in amazingly operatic cartoonish voices to cats.

WAX

2007-06-09T07:47:54Z

this must be edited... i got it from the movie WAX.

I found the work disturbing, I had the strong feeling that i should go out to the range, that I should be with the weapons.. I rented a small place in a trailer park not far from base… I started taking morning walks in the desert… all this time, the bee television was active inside me, I received puictures from the bees, they showed me how weapons die every day.. at the end of the day, everynight in the trailer park the bees told me about the new world where they had settled and formed a new natikon… it was the land of the dead.. the bee television showed me that place where the radium souls of the living spirits split into innumerable pieces forming patterns of bodies and at the same time a language it was the language cane had brought with him when he fled the garden of eden the thought of this new world excited me my walks became loonger I often found myself 15 ior 29 mikles downrangs still full of enegery my favorite stopping place wa sthe launch place site where the nazi army had tested rockets on the bee television I could see that this is where the meeting and the EARTH Where joijend all around this place semiintelligent weapons were trying toe xscapte the earth hjoping for a new life elsehwhere when I was away from the ground the bee television becanme even clearerer I could lose myself in the images and become a weapons myself risiing through the air.. my destination was the moon that’s where the dead lived,, I always enjoyed viasiting the moon.. the dead were always quiket uintil the last moment when I started to leave, that’s when they spoke.. they spoke to me as bees.. they showed me a line that I would have to follow to the darkness.. it lead to a place hidden in the desert where they were waiting for me.. I realize that iw ould have to follow this line out to the deaths range.. that’s where the weapons were testt range they were leaving Around THE Clock no one on base ever seemed to wonder what happened to the missiles when they left the launch but I knew that they had become flying saucers and I could join them if I wanted and become one of them, so it wqas that carrying inly the bee television and my own thoughts that I walked out into the desert.. as I walkeed the bee tv showe dme the sites of past or future explosions I walked for many hours engrossed by what ii saw but eventually I awoke, I was afraid.. I could see the dead shaped like letters of the alphabet… they danced for me.. the bee tv appeared among them.. I wa stravelling in the right direction.. I awoke on my feet heading north .. less than an hour later I came across an unfinished mud building… it was a library in progress that the russion orthodox monks of saint anthony.. I met father busserian.. he told me that there were demons in the desert … father buss also told me that bees lived in historical marker at trinity site where theyy tested the first plutonium bomb that was 40 miles to the north… the next morning found me at white sands the great stretch of pulverized gypsum the main ingredient in wallboard… out of the haze a giant floating light aopopread its body was a poem written in the language of cane here was a missile that had left the earth and retruned to touch me.. the desert became the past… the dead marched across the sands to reach me their sgardows crossed my face and I began to cry.. the sky opened.. I could see the darkness… I wanted to take a picture,,,, but all ic ould do.. was dance… rthat’s when the bees arrivedrithbing on broken fragments of time.. they flattened the sands and built a rooom for me on stilts.. so that I could be in the air when th shuttle men came.. I never saw it land.. I flew directly to the garden of eden where there was amessage waiting for me in my grandfathers diary,. It was written by the dead.. from the bed of my birth to the bed of nmy death,.. and beyond.. I would have to travelw ith the bees,,, to find the person I was meant to kill,.. plante dinside the eartj.. the mesopotaniun bees of my grandfather were waiting on this planet.. they would show me the victim at the moment of the kill.. at the end of the story I was stikll dead.l. an angel arrived from the planet of light.. to take me back.. to the white sands.. the next day I arrived at trinity site 20 miles past wh9ite sands.. there were camera bunkers still standing from the famoyus test,,., this wa stghe birth place of the plutonium bomb the marker was my goal… if there were bees I was glad I had my suit on.. on the bee tv I could see myself I was approaching the marker I couldn’t remember where this place was I did know that once I had travelled across the ocean to bossoroa in mseespoptoatnian in order tot find the towers of babel… I knew that I was herald gordo I realized that couldn’t be mmore than 509 miles by car but I didn’t know how I could ever get back except perhaps as a bomb… I couldn’t allow that to happen.. I had to call melissa to warn her I dialed o for the operator but got ground zero instead.. over and over I tried to make that call.. and then ir emembered .. the bee tv showed me that I was at trinity site so that I would understand the bees showed me a little move called a garden of eden came starring me, jacob maker as fat boy,t he first and loneliest plutonium bomb.. I lived in a mad tower above trinity site.. the day of my death the other dead king came to visit me, they said little bomb it is july 16 1945 now that you’re gone wtheyl;ll make yioua maerker and the bees will come to live here and the flying saucers so that wyuouy wilkl know through the grace of god his son the savior of the christians and those bees that wswamrm through the air that thiough you were born you were born zebula evensanon .. this is true.. blalbalbahlablah babel

maldor0r (9:27:54 PM): THE BEES APPEARED ON THE TV SPEAKING THE LANGUAGE OF CANE
maldor0r (9:28:23 PM): they were waiting for me. they weren't directly visible to sight, but i knew they were there.
maldor0r (9:28:41 PM): i dissected the queen. she was blind. these bees must have come from the center of the earth, they danced backwards.
maldor0r (9:29:19 PM): then i saw the bees directly. they were 30 feet tall. they sang for me. i could see that the bees lived in the darkness around this small cave.
maldor0r (9:30:08 PM): i understood them as little as the bees understood the beekeeper. that didn't discourage me. i continued to walk through the cave, a tourist in the land of the dead. each corner a new amazement. each soul could have a square in the land of time.
maldor0r (9:31:03 PM): all qualities were fluid.. the products of powerful though machines that worked here.. it was a mechanism of astonishing complexity.. all this tired me. i slept in the dark corner, like a bee. when the underground sun rose, i could feel my destiny pressing in on me. it was time for me to find out who i was going to kill.
m a l d o r o r (9:31:39 PM): ...
m a l d o r o r (9:31:47 PM): *checks your temp*
maldor0r (9:32:11 PM): the bees sculpted figurines out of wax.. feminine forms so as to enter our world.. they promised me one of these bodies...
maldor0r (9:40:35 PM): my reverie is disturbed by the sound of a telephone ringing in the cave!!
m a l d o r o r (9:40:46 PM): oh?
maldor0r (9:41:39 PM): it was the dead wife of zolton ambesid! she was calling from the moon! in the language of cane, she told me that a murder had been commited in the past, and that i would kill again.. emboss her, southern mesopotania.. as i spoke to her, i realized again that i was zolton, but i was already dead. then i realized i was jacob maker, that i had a new body.
maldor0r (9:42:27 PM): so i went into the darkness to hide. an escort appeared to take me to asylum. i followed it into the darkness, passed the vengance sign into the graveyard where language was born. there the spirits of dead souls had organized into complicated floating weapons.
maldor0r (9:43:16 PM): beyond, was safety. the puzzle planets, shuffling in perpetual confusion.. i went down to one which had a moon. this was my secret planet of refuge. i couldn't pronounce its name. there, i was born again as the egg shape.
g00dcitizen (8:03:20 PM): hoping to force Coca-Cola to remove caffeine from its formula by making exaggerated claims, such as that the excessive use of Coca-Cola at one girls' school led to "wild nocturnal freaks, violations of college rules and female proprieties, and even immoralities."
g00dcitizen (8:03:31 PM): caffeine will make you a lesbian!
maldor0r (8:03:44 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA
maldor0r (8:46:21 PM): AS I OPENED THE HIVE I KNEW THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG
maldor0r (8:46:28 PM): THERE WERE VOICES... INSIDE THE HIVE
maldor0r (8:46:39 PM): when i came to, i was watching the bees
maldor0r (8:47:14 PM): i realized that i didn't really understand my job.. there were things i had to do.. but i didn't really know what they were.. so i went home early, leaving melissa at work
maldor0r (8:47:32 PM): there's a great review on IMDB
maldor0r (8:47:38 PM): really worth looking at
maldor0r (8:47:48 PM): i was drawn to the bees.
maldor0r (8:47:56 PM): i wanted to be in the dark again.
g00dcitizen (8:48:54 PM): thats the movie i would put on when someone would over randomly tripping on mushrooms or acid or god forbid cough syrup
g00dcitizen (8:48:59 PM): god im a horrible person
g00dcitizen (8:49:06 PM): come*
maldor0r (8:49:09 PM): when the dark came, i was able to stay awake.. i waited for something to change... i began to travel. i arrived at a patch of land hanging in the darkness. it resembled the place of my birth. i was born on july 16th 1945 in the house of my dead grandfather, a place known as the garden of eden near abeline kansas.
maldor0r (8:49:18 PM): haha yes
maldor0r (8:49:24 PM): i l u
maldor0r (8:49:35 PM): up in the concrete trees were the concrete people
maldor0r (8:49:47 PM): cane macplowman with a lot of fixed ideas.. and abel plowman,,
g00dcitizen (8:49:55 PM): after a while it sort of puts you in a trance listening to that monotone voice
maldor0r (8:49:57 PM): when i was a child, can killed his brother abel..
g00dcitizen (8:50:05 PM): and the images and bees and crazyness begins making sense
maldor0r (8:50:11 PM): god put an x oon his forehead to protect him from vengeance...
maldor0r (8:50:19 PM): YES
g00dcitizen (8:51:46 PM): oh god there was another movie i should have mentioned i've totally forgotten about, on a similar level of mind destroying weirdness
g00dcitizen (8:52:24 PM): have you seen Institute Benjamenta ?
maldor0r (8:54:37 PM): aw damn.
maldor0r (8:54:48 PM): newp
maldor0r (9:12:02 PM): "i received pictures from the bees.. they showed me how weapons died every day.. and at the end of the day every night in the trailerpark, the bees told me about the new world where they had settled a new future.. it was the land of the dead.. the bee television showed me that place through the radium souls of the living spirits, when they split into beautiful pieces forming moving patterns of innumerable bodies.. and at the same time it was a language.. it was the language cane had brought with him when he had fled the world god gave him.. the thought of this new world excited me.. my walks became longer.."
g00dcitizen (9:16:22 PM): that was the first movie distributed on the internet
g00dcitizen (9:16:34 PM): in 93 or something
maldor0r (9:24:21 PM): i dissected the queen. she was blind. my guess was that these bees had come from inside the earth. they danced backwards.
maldor0r (9:25:34 PM): the came from a cave in the center of the earth and the tower of babel was there and the bees lived inside of it. when the movie was over i realized that the world was surrounded by darkness. i realized that was because there was a cave the size of manhatten underneath new mexico, and that's where the bees were waiting, to show me my victim

the souls of animals were sharpened and fragmentized to become complicated forms of weapons.

weirdo

2007-05-25T22:46:00Z

[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] Food speed is food's only serviceable quality.
[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] Slow food is for fatties who like food.
[jewniorjew] What about people with time machines.
[l am the Curse] i have one of those
[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] I have spoken.
[l am the Curse] yes.
[l am the Curse] it's time for a haiku
[jewniorjew] What do you have, slow food or a time machine.
[l am the Curse] meat meat meat meat meat
[l am the Curse] bones meat bones meat bones mean bones
[l am the Curse] bones bones bones bones bones
[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] moat meat ////
[l am the Curse] haha, moat meat
[Paul Severe] bless you
[l am the Curse] meat trough.
[l am the Curse] also known as STEW, lisa
[l am the Curse] i have slow food in time machines.
[l am the Curse] it runs on confusion
[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] What is stew protecting.
[l am the Curse] my organs.
[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] Answer: nothing.
[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] It's the perfect crime.

never go back to ass face lake

2007-05-11T13:46:03Z

g00dcitizen: so i had this conversation today
g00dcitizen: with my buddy ben who just got married
g00dcitizen: and he's telling me about his trip to illinois and how he and his wife and two friends had to share a suit at this hotel, one of the guys is straight and other guy is gay
g00dcitizen: so they all go out to get boozed up and ben and jennel come back to the room early for a quicky
g00dcitizen: and in the middle of it the other two guys show up
g00dcitizen: instead of i dunno leaving they both just kind of stand around watching
g00dcitizen: and then start beating off
g00dcitizen: and heres the creepy part THEY ALL CUM AT THE SAME TIME
g00dcitizen: ben says to me "i dont get why was jerking it" and i reply "he was thinking of fucking you"
g00dcitizen: i could feel the shock and awe over the internet
g00dcitizen is idle at 6:18:43 AM.
g00dcitizen is away at 6:23:43 AM.
maldor0r: HHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHAHHA
Auto response from g00dcitizen: I am currently away from the computer.

SICK ICK CK K

2007-05-05T06:19:44Z

ALL FINALS DUE MONDAY AND TUESDAY! I am SICK.
So I took some echinacea and then I started thinking, what would happen if the sun stopped rising and the moon just hung around in one form and never changed? How would we measure time? And clocks stopped working too. So I went to the courthouse and flipped through the books and I found what to do in case of such emergencies. It said that if this exact scenario were to happen, that we'd all have to have our own tubes of toothpaste and that you'd measure time based on how many tubes ago. And if you didn't have a tube of your own, basically, you weren't allowed to leave the house. If someone died and had an unfinished tube, and you managed to collect enough of these unfinished tubes, then squeeze them all to fill one up, then you could leave the house, but you'd have to have the autographs of those dead people on your new tube to legalize it. Otherwise you were known as "time resistant" and could be sacrificed to the goddess Diana, generally being thrown to wolves.

Well EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSEEEEEEEE ME, princess!

And apparently, I have some kind of OCD FENG SHUI based ADD that makes it impossible to focus on certain things in certain places.

PUS II - DIAGNOSIS: GOGURT

2007-05-03T13:27:33Z

1. Your age on your next birthday:
however long this person has had arthritis

2. Your favorite color:

i wish this would be your color

3. Your middle name:

4. The last meal you ate:

5. Your bad habit:

6. Your favorite fruit or vegetable:

7. Your favorite animal:

8. The town you live in:
LIVE?

has less character than that.

9. The name of your pet or last pet:

10. Your SO or best friend’s nickname:

11. Your crush’s name:

12. Your occupation:

13. Your birth city:

14. Your favorite song:

WHEN

"The Kids"

2007-05-02T08:31:58Z

isolation83:
isolation83: this is up your style
isolation83: yeh
isolation83: oh shit yea
maldor0r: myeryyyr
maldor0r: i think i killed it.
maldor0r: i never found a corpse.
isolation83: i found a cvorpse in a can
isolation83: ohhh scooby
maldor0r: OH
maldor0r: THAT WHISTLING SONG
maldor0r: i heard it in FOREVER 21
maldor0r: hahaha.
maldor0r: and i was like
maldor0r: "OH THAT WHISTLING SONG"
isolation83: lol is great
isolation83: just put
isolation83: your lips
isolation83: ogether
maldor0r: hurrrrrrrr
maldor0r: i don't remember what that line is from but i know it 2 the extreme
maldor0r: "you know how to whistle don't you"
maldor0r: man.
maldor0r: i really hate this whole nice young people crap.
isolation83: lol
maldor0r: all these indie kids being nice and twee and comfortable and quaint and cute and witty and creative and shit.
maldor0r: and ironic and retro and hip.
maldor0r: but at the same time i'm like, "yeah, cool."
maldor0r: RIGHT LUKE?
isolation83: this band gives me the shivers
maldor0r: I'M SURE YOU HAVE A THOUGHT OR OPINION ABOUT THAT
isolation83: shivvvvvvery
isolation83: i hate hard core
isolation83: ree ree ruuuuuuu
isolation83: thats hard core
isolation83: ree ree ruuuuuu
maldor0r: ree ree ruuu is also "down with the hos"

I'LL NEVER BE POPULAR!!!

2007-04-25T10:50:21Z

MY ENGLISH PRINCESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
mehico21: deliver me from youtube
maldor0r: sick a d
maldor0r: suck a
maldor0r: ahhghgh
maldor0r: I'm fucking retarded right now.
maldor0r: and my printer ran out of ink.
mehico21: laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame
maldor0r: and i am a stupidhead!!
mehico21: do you need to print off yr school work?
maldor0r: yeah, but i've been up all night anyway and now will miss class.
maldor0r: cause there is NO WAY
maldor0r: and what sucks harder is uh, i have to do an oral presentationw hich i WILL worm my way out of.
maldor0r: i will do anything else.
maldor0r: i physically cannot complete an oral presentation.
maldor0r: i can go over it, i can have notes, i can have it all planned out.
maldor0r: i will go up there, and then..
maldor0r: i talk..
maldor0r: and then i don't know what i am saying anymore.
mehico21: Yes! I was talking about this with Parick. We have both had fullblown break downs at the prospect of an oral presentation.
maldor0r: and i get totally flooded and confused and nothing makes sense.
mehico21: Well, I had to do one in the 8th grade
maldor0r: my spanish teacher would always tell me "have a shot before class."
maldor0r: hahahaha.
mehico21: and I ditched school for sooooo long so i wouldnt have to do it.
maldor0r: aww.,
mehico21: and like, when i got back, she was all "um jamie, i hope yo have prepared a talk for the class"
mehico21: and i was like "no."
mehico21: but she made me get up there anyway
maldor0r: 'jajjajajaa aww man
mehico21: so i went up there and pretended to have this weird medical condition where you laugh alot for no reason. Ya know? Like those people in that place in Africa had that time? But anyway, I stood there fake laughing and trying not to cry until she told me to sit down.
mehico21: I guess that was probably more embarassing than actually doing the talk.
maldor0r: haha awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
maldor0r: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's so cute and she'd never believe it.
maldor0r: my little jamie wamieeeee.
mehico21: Yeah, at the time it seemed entirely plausabile.
mehico21: Teachers must be so good at spotting bullshit.
maldor0r: hahaha
mehico21: Like the time my teacher came back into the class after she went to get pens
maldor0r: this is my prepared bullshit:
mehico21: and I had blood running all down my face
mehico21: and i was crying
mehico21: and she was all "what happened to you?!?!?!?"
maldor0r: I stayed up all night trouble shooting, because all of a sudden, my printer ran out of ink, which it did.
mehico21: And I said "nothing."
maldor0r: and my dad lent me his printer since the cartridges wouldn't fit.
mehico21: she must have known i was lying. Teachers are SO SMART
maldor0r: and i had to download a driver.
maldor0r: and so far all of this is true.
maldor0r: but then the lies come in.
maldor0r: AND THE DRIVER WAS A VIRUS THAT DESTROYED MY COMPUTER
maldor0r: AHHHHHHHHHHH
maldor0r: the end.
mehico21: And the computer cvoughed on me!
mehico21: and I had a miscarriage
mehico21: and then
mehico21: and then!
maldor0r: it spat blood at me.
mehico21: then!
mehico21: THEN!
maldor0r: hahahahahahahah!!!!!!
mehico21: I was taken to an alternate-tron like universe and forced to race against the maching (geddit?) in order to save the earth.
mehico21: I crawled across the finish line, covered in blood and wires and screaming "HACK THE PLANET"
maldor0r: HAHAHAHA
maldor0r: MACHING?
mehico21: I MEANT MACHINE
maldor0r: GET IT?????/
mehico21: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART
maldor0r: IS THIS SOME INSIDE JOKE
mehico21: COLLEGE GIRL
maldor0r: FUCK YOU
maldor0r: Hhahahaha
maldor0r: ahHAHAHAHAHA
mehico21: So, I was at this rollerdisco and this girl with a really round face tried to knock me down.
mehico21: So I was all "hey moonface, the moon called. It wants its face back"
mehico21: And then we went to this bar
mehico21: and this girl opened Neils bag up and started taking shit out
mehico21: and he was all "um, what the fuck?"
mehico21: and she was all "WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN HERE?!?!" and he was like "my camera and coat."
mehico21: So she screamed at Dale "where's your camera????!?!?!"
mehico21: And all of her friends laughed
mehico21: and then she looked at me and was all "WHERE IS YOUR COAT?!?!"
maldor0r: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE MATRIX IS?
maldor0r: hahahahhaa
mehico21: so I was all "where is your dignity?!!?"
mehico21: And the entire bar went silent and looked at me.
mehico21: And then she told her boyfriend that I was rude and had been mean to her
mehico21: and I had to leave before they kicked my ass.
mehico21: the end!
maldor0r: hahaha is this for reals.
mehico21: YES
maldor0r: HAHAHAHA RULZ
mehico21: I KNOW! I AM A LAUGH RIOT!
mehico21: YOU THINK THAT'S AIR YOU'RE BREATHING?!?!
maldor0r: HAHAHAHAA
maldor0r: DO U LIKE MY STUPID PICTURES FROM YESTERDAY
mehico21: Yes! they're so much funz! I'm jealous of that bitch. I'm gonna kick her ass when I get to Cali. Who the fuck is she?
maldor0r: ahahaha
maldor0r: HEIDI

CAPSLOCK FRIDAY

2007-04-23T20:05:56Z

I WILL SUCK A THOUSAND DICKS FOR YOU.
I HAVE SACRIFICED 43 RAM'S HEADS AND ALL OF MY BOURBON, WILL YOU PLEASE LOVE ME, WILL YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME OF MY SINS, WILL YOU PLEASE TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE AMAZING PASTRY, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, LOOK, I HAVE A LOT TO OFFER!!! I SACRIFICE THIS CAT AND SHARK 4 U:

REAL STUFF!!
AND THIS GUY!!

AND THE WORKS OF DRUG USE AND ELECTRICITY, ALL MADE FOR YOUR SAKE

WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

I HAVE EVEN SACRIFICED US HISTORY FOR YOU.

love (comma optional,) me

OK I AM BACK FROM DESTROYING MISERABLE TIME CRYSTALS. I WILL CONTINUE THE SACRIFICES UNTIL I AM LOVINGLY EMBRACED BY YOUR TREMENDOUS, LIMP ARMS WITH BROKEN WRISTS!

I BRING YOU:

ACTION AN ADVENTURE FROM REAL LIFE! YOU CAN HAVE MY SNEAKERS!
ALL THE GARBAGE YOU WANT!!
EVIL CIGARETTES!
SATAN AND FROWNS AND BEER!
CRAP WITH GHOSTS!
YOU CAN EVIN HAVE MUMNLING UNCLE EARL (UNCLEAR)- I THINK HE HAS A KKK DISCOUNT CARD, WHICH IS ALSO YOURS BY INHERITENCE.

hitla youf

2007-03-08T04:56:55Z

[Waffen SS World Tour 1939-1945] Asians, while generally more palatable than the other dusky savages that we must endure, are forever marked by their jealousy at our ability to ride carnival rides that require you to be of a certain height.

[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] Wow, an argument over who is good at arguing.
[l am the Curse] I WANT TO PLAY
[Thedia Ryofli Safrank] The only kind of argument in which the winner determines the winner.

[Soylent Green is Nigger!!] Let me share with you a reply my Dad sent me when we were emailing back and forth about how this political correctness is strangling the very fiber of our being.
[Soylent Green is Nigger!!] Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority and rabidly promoted by unscrupulous mainstream media which holds forth that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
[Soylent Green is Nigger!!] My Dad's a real man. He was the type of guy that National Zero writes songs about.
[Paul Severe] your dad was a sword fighter and a fabulous painter?
[Soylent Green is Nigger!!] No, he was a drunken wife beater with a love of burritos.

[Soylent Green is Nigger!!] Maus with Stuart Little would be a killer movie.
[Paul Severe] they should remake Willow with the cast from My Name is Earl

[John Wayne SS] I just heard a car honk at my house but I don't know how to drive my house out of its way.
[Paul Severe] that's loser talk John Wayne SS
[l am the Curse] yeah, try harder.
[Paul Severe] get your fucking house out of the way, asshole

bang a gong

2007-03-06T20:20:43Z

so i dreamt i was in some kind of barren wasteland VALLEY. and i guess there had been some kind of major flood or storm or something, and it killed lots of people. we kept finding their bodies. there were ten bodie sin the house we were staying at, with a collapsed roof and a river running through the house. the bodies were only bothersome because their eyes were very reflective and blue.

later, i dreamt i was with some friends at a bar. they got very drunk off of whiskey and cola, AND there was coke in the drink (as a favor) to numb my friend's sore throat. very thoughtful. i kept asking them to play T REX.

later on i was shoe shopping. tried on some pointy white boots. then i had to get a secret key to regain entry in.. the group home i was staying in?

it all ended with me having a sexy time with myself in a bath tub, fingerblasting like i had never fingerblasted before.

days ago, i dreamt i was hanging around the golden gate bridge, but i stayed in some kind of extra room in a steel factory or something with a band. whatever, none of it matters but the fact that i was on a mountain and this white ram was head butting me, and i was blocking it with a jacket or backpack or something, but it was out of control and just attacking. i scratched its head and he liked it. then he got on his hind legs turned into a beautiful swedish man.

later on, i fell into the ocean, but a really nice mexican street sweeper woman jumped in to get me out, but there would be no way for her to get out, it seemed.

MTV presents: I love 5 minutes ago!

2007-03-06T10:44:14Z

How not to run an interview:

Phone rings. The interview has begun.
(YOU): HELLO THIS IS RIVET-TEEN MAGAZINE (but it's just you with pretend voice)
BAND: Hello, is Chris there?
YOU: Yeah just a second.
YOU AS YOURSELF: (with fake cockney accent) HELLO BLIXA BLAWBLAWBLAW.

You ask the band a serious question, but as they give a good meaty answer, just talk over them going "BLAW BLAW BLAWBLAWBLAWBLAW." (Silence.) "Ok now... how about you tell me something COOL...."

During interview, be sure to switch your accent on occasion, but always go back to the main accent you had before.
Alternately, ask everything in rhyme. Be sure to post that (BAND) thought you actually had a secretary but it was just you playing pretend and they fell for it.

BEGIN QUESTIONS.
Use much homage to cool things, but do it excessively. BEGIN!

YOU: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
(Administer Voight-Kampff test to find out if they are androids. Are you a repliCAN or a repliCAN'T?)

"You're in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, Blixa, it's crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tom. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can�t, not without your help. But you�re not helping. Why is that, Blixa?"

(Send strip of paper before interview with a chart of faces numbered 1 to 10 ranging with emotions, 1 being the saddest and 10 being the happiest.)

You: Did you receive the letter I sent?
Band: Yes we did.
You: Do you have it before you now?
Band: Yes we have.
You: Ok. On a scale from 1-10, point to the face that reflects mostly how you feel right now. Are you pointing at it?
Band: Yes.
You: Good. Moving on..

(Ask questions as if you were from Seventeen magazine!)

EXAMPLE:
Dear Blixa: How do you get your hair to do that?
Dear Blixa: Did we mention what this magazine is about? It's specifically for teenage Rivetheads. It's called Rivet-Teen(because it's like, "Riveting - having the power to fix the attention : engrossing, fascinating", and also, rivetting IS INDUSTRIAL!!!
Dear Blixa: If you were a lip smackers lip gloss, what flavor would you be? Take this quiz to find out!

When you wake up in the morning, do you:

A) Hit the snooze button! You need another 30 minutes, screw doing your hair!!
B) Jump out of bed and do some excercises to wake you up!
C) Lay in bed a few minutes with the radio on and plan your day.

You are SPARKLY PEACH! Energetic and fun to be around! You taste great and look good in trees!

Ask simple questions about (if shared) your country's history (there IS an O in country, RIGHT?) that they probably won't have answers to and will look foolish not knowing while you secretly laugh to yourself while feeling embarrassed for not knowing either, but do not let this lack of knowledge put a damper on your "I'M A JOURNALIST/WRITER/WHATEVER" ego. Snicker frequently when in traffic about how snide you are when interviewing your favorite band cleverly disguised as a douchebag. >>>IMPORTANT!! WARNING!!<<< Try not to let your caricature take over your whole life. This is where the fun ends. Take month long breaks from irony and sarcasm.

Speak of other bands as if they are complete douchebags so they know you're not afraid to be demeaning to anyone, even them. NEVER LOSE YOUR COOL, ALWAYS SOUND HIP. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR ANYTHING!

EXAMPLE:
Dear VNV Nation: Have you ever seen Pzychobitch naked? Yeah I guess you're right, I mean who hasn't?
Dear VNV Nation: What kind of chicks do you like? (be crude) You like them big titted ones? Wait, I know your type, let me guess. You like the 40 year old slags who follow bands around and sleep with anyone so long as they're in a band. There's something wild and so unattainable and (make up cool words) VO-LUMP-TUOUS (hot but lumpy) about them, that they can't hold a relationship. You wish you could be the one that settles her down!

ALWAYS USE BIG WORDS (especially dead ones no longer in current dictionaries) AND BE AS ESOTERIC AS POSSIBLE.

When interviewing several bands in one issue, be sure to ask each band being interviewed how they feel about the other band. Let's say you have Combichrist and Terrorfakt and Noisex in one issue. (The bands must be more or less of the same genre to have any REAL (possibly bad) feeling about the other bands.) Ask each one a question on how they feel about the other band.

EXAMPLE:
YOU: So what would you do if you found out Noisex (someone whoever you're interviewing had some drama with) came to your town and you happened to run into them at a supermarket. What would you say to them? What aisle would you find them in, and why?

Be sure to ask each band the same question and see what happens!!

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS!

-ASK IF THEY ARE GAY, especially if they look like they are not.
-Ask who their favorite person is on Survivor/American Idol, OF ALL THE EPISODES AND SERIES!
-Ask them to put girlfriend/boyfriend on the phone and have them answer all questions how they think (band member) would answer them.
-Ask why such and such song/album was so sad and why should they be sad when they are a cool band, and who was it about and aren't they over it YET and maybe they should get some THERAPY, DON'T YOU THINK? And does he/she have their own band? Is it better than yours? how can you contact THEM?
-Ask which member of their band, IF THEY HAD TO, would they have an accidental drunken sexual encounter with.
-What was your favorite Bill and Ted movie???? This finalizes what section to file them under: CHECK OUT THIS BAND/DON'T CHECK OUT.
-Be biased, be racist, be a misogynist.
-Ask why they bring out giant troll dolls on stage for every single show. What, you don't do that? Oh wait sorry, that's some other band I obviously wish I were interviewing instead.

-Ask if they'll ever do a cover of "Tennessee Stud." Start singing the song to them with heart!

Along about eighteen and twenty-five
I left Tennessee very much alive
I never would have got through the Arkansas mud
If I hadn't been a-ridin on the Tennessee stud

I had some trouble with my sweetheart's pa
One of her brothers was a bad outlaw
I sent her a letter by my Uncle Fud
And I rode away on the Tennessee stud

CHORUS:
The Tennessee stud was long and lean
The color of the sun and his eyes were green
He had the nerve and he had the blood
And there never was a hoss like the Tennessee stud

One day I was ridin' in the beautiful land
And ran smack into an Indian band
They jerked their knives with a whoop and a yell
But I rode away like a bat out of hell

Well I circled their camp for a time or two
And showed what a Tennessee hoss could do
And them redskin boys never got my blood
'Cause I was a-ridin' on the Tennessee stud

CHORUS

We drifted on down into no man's land
We crossed the river called the Rio Grande
I raced my hoss with the Spaniards bold
Till I got me a skin full of silver and gold

Me and a gambler we couldn't agree
We got in a fight over Tennessee
We jerked our guns, he fell with a thud
And I got away on the Tennessee stud

CHORUS

Well, I got as lonesome as a man can be
Dreamin' of my girl in Tennessee
The Tennessee stud's green eyes turned blue
'Cause he was a-dneamin' of a sweetheart too

We loped on back across Arkansas
I whipped her brother and I whipped her pa
I found that girl with the golden hair
And she was ridin' on a Tennessee mare

CHORUS

Stirrup to stirrup and side by side
We crossed the mountains and the valleys wide
We came to Big Muddy and we forded the flood
On the Tennessee mare and the Tennessee stud

Pretty little baby on the cabin floor
Little hoss colt playin' 'round the door
I love the girl with golden hair
And the Tennessee stud loves the Tennessee mare

U.S. History Extra Credit

2007-03-06T08:26:07Z

Like all celestial bodies, Thomas Paine evolved from gas and dust to become a planet. For some inexplicable reason, however, this particular planet achieved sentience and the ability to move of its own volition. Thomas Paine then began absorbing space vessels and even other worlds to survive. It was this behaviour that drew the attention of the Rigellian Colonizers, who feared that the nearby Thomas Paine would consume their homeworld.

The Rigellians discover Earth, and promise to leave it unmolested if the Thunder God Aaron Burr will defeat Thomas Paine. Accompanied by a Rigellian Recorder, Aaron Burr encounters Thomas Paine and after an epic battle defeats it. As a result, Thomas Paine vows to never leave the Black Galaxy. [1] Several months later, a weakened Napoleon Bonaparte invades Thomas Paine's space and sought to replenish his energy by consuming Thomas Paine. Aaron Burr aids Thomas Paine, and generates a massive God Blast that drives Napoleon Bonaparte off. In gratitude Thomas Paine allows its surface to become the new home of the Wanderers, a race whose planet had been the very first to be devoured by Naploneon Bonaparte billions of years ago. [2]

A well-meaning Rigellian takes a sample of Thomas Paine's form, in the hope that this could be used to fertilize sterile worlds being considered for habitation. This act drvies Thomas Paine's insane, and it soon gives in to its primordial urges and absorbs the Wanderers, which causes Aaron Burr to side with a returning Napoleon Bonaparte. Assisted by ally Molly Pitcher and Napoleon Bonaparte's herald, George Wshington, Aaron Burr holds Thomas Paine off until Napoleon Bonaparte attaches a massive starship engine to Thomas Paine's south pole, which drives the planet constantly through space and thereby prevents it from being a threat to other planets. [3]

Years later, Thomas Paine eventually gains control of the engine and tracks Napoleon Bonaparte to Earth, but is unable to locate him. Thomas Paine begins attacking Earth until finally stopped by the Fantastic Four (Madison, Jefferson, Daniel Shays, and the black dude), and an unknown mutant known as Alexander "Skippy" Hamilton. It was on this occasion that Thomas Paine was destroyed - the black dude removes the attached engine and throws it into Thomas Paine's "brain", causing an angered Thomas Paine to activate it, which unintentionally drove the planet into the Sun. [4]

Thomas Paine, however, slowly reforms from a few surviving particles and later joins the Elders of the Napoleon Bonaparte, although Thomas Paine is sidelined before the confrontation when defeated by the Federalists. [5] After being used as a pawn by the Iroquois in a bid to reestablish the Kree Empire, Thomas Paine threatens Earth one final time before being absorbed by the hero John Adams into the Quantum Zone. [6]

[edit] Powers and abilities

Thomas Paine is exceptionally intelligent, although as the name suggests it suffers from a God complex and can be emotional if thwarted. Thomas Paine is propelled through space via the engine Napoleon Bonaparte implanted on it and can travel at faster than light speeds. In terms of appearance, Thomas Paine often shapes its surface into the appearance of a gigantic face to address powerful beings, and can also shape its terrain to suit the circumstances. Thomas Paine possesses various internal features analogous to a living organism, such as gigantic tunnels that have been compared to arteries, and a gigantic brain-like organ deep below its surface. Thomas Paine possess both digestive organs, which it uses when absorbing living beings, and an immune system with which to create powerful antibodies to destroy beings which resist absorption.

[edit] Alternate versions

In one of the realities visited by the Exiles, Thomas Paine plants a piece of itself on Earth, which in turn becomes a "living planet". Thomas Paine hopes to gain an ally against the Celestials Gammenon, Bill and Ted, Station, and the reaper, who seek to destroy Thomas Paine for being a dick-head and pushing the homeworld of a race known as Mohicans into a blackhole - thus ruining millennia of Celestial experimentation. Thomas Paine tries to convince Earth to consume every living creature on it in order to gain power to fight the Celestials, but Richard Hell persuades Earth to protect "its children". Earth then battles Thomas Paine, and the latter is killed by one of Captain Sensible's devices, which is teleported into Thomas Paine's brain.

he said CAPTAIN! i said WOT?

2007-02-21T14:23:31Z

maldor0r: http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=24031
maldor0r: read the interview only.
maldor0r: the guy who can't figure out "calf skin wallet" scares me.
DiaryofLisaFrank: This sort of reminds me of the weird shit Scientologists do during their auditing.
maldor0r: i've never seen a scientologist audit.
DiaryofLisaFrank: The aim of a Scientology audit is to search for "engrams" by asking a bunch of questions and waiting to detect an emotional response on an e-meter.
DiaryofLisaFrank: And then they focus on whatever question caused the reaction.
DiaryofLisaFrank: And keep going over it until the e-meter doesn't show an emotional reaction anymore.
DiaryofLisaFrank: At least that's what they think it looks like on the surface.
DiaryofLisaFrank: It gets totally fuckass crazy the further you get into it.
DiaryofLisaFrank: The engrams turn out to be the reactive properties of alien ghosts inhabiting your body.
DiaryofLisaFrank: And the e-meter is a lot of bullshit to begin with.
DiaryofLisaFrank: And isn't actually measuring anything to do with emotion.
DiaryofLisaFrank: Also, they think they can recall experiences from past lives using this auditing technique.
DiaryofLisaFrank: Here is a sound clip I recorded of a Scientologist who discovered that he was the father of Jesus in a past life.
maldor0r: haha oh that.
maldor0r: that's fucking insane.
maldor0r: they're INSANE.
DiaryofLisaFrank: They don't tell you about the insane stuff until you've invested a lot of money and dedicated a lot of your life to the more reasonable-sounding stuff.
DiaryofLisaFrank: And it's only reasonable-sounding because it's ripped off of a sort of superficial understanding of '50s psychology that L Ron Hubbard had.
maldor0r: do they believe in vril?
DiaryofLisaFrank: http://users.adelphia.net/~robochrist/stevenfisher.mp3
DiaryofLisaFrank: I don't think they really have an established sort of philosophical ontology.
maldor0r: i don't think so either.
DiaryofLisaFrank: I mean, they never really say what anything is made out of.
maldor0r: i think the crystals wouldn't like that.
maldor0r: it's really just a big LARP game that involves trying to get as many people to join without telling them the rules.
maldor0r: and the only rules is not to tell the rules.
DiaryofLisaFrank: So I guess individual Scientologists could believe in that sort of "energy" bullshit.
maldor0r: and nobody actually knows any rule other than that.
maldor0r: i bet they LOVE oranges!
DiaryofLisaFrank: Also, the ultimate goal in the auditing is to become "clear."
maldor0r: hahhhaha
DiaryofLisaFrank: Which means that you don't have these emotional reactions to anything at all.
DiaryofLisaFrank: Because you're free of all the alien ghosts that cause them.
maldor0r: hahaha.
maldor0r: like tom cruise.
DiaryofLisaFrank: Some of the benefits of being cleared are things like magic superhuman powers of telepathy and telekinesis.

DEAR FUCKING LIVE JOURNAL

2007-02-15T10:46:14Z

don't you dare steal gut feeling from me.

"ARE YOU THE FARMER????"

waffleSS

2007-02-13T01:17:00Z

[Waffen SS World Tour 1939-1945] Asians, while generally more palatable than the other dusky savages that we must endure, are forever marked by their jealousy at our ability to ride carnival rides that require you to be of a certain height.

hipre placer: isaac?
hipre placer: he lives in LA.
hipre placer: and by the way.
maldor0r: yeah, so ask n e ways
hipre placer: i gave him a crotch rubbing.
hipre placer: and then drew walked in.
maldor0r: haha
maldor0r: Hhahahaa
maldor0r: ahhhhhahahaa
hipre placer: and i rubbed my hand all over drew's face.
maldor0r: agaagaga
maldor0r: HAHAHAHAHAHA
maldor0r: AAHGHHAHA
hipre placer: and then you possibly kissed it.
hipre placer: meaning you gave isaac a blowjob.
maldor0r: hahahahahaa
maldor0r: aahahahahhahaa
maldor0r: ahahahhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa
maldor0r: i didn't kiss his hand
maldor0r: OH gross
hipre placer: no, his face.
maldor0r: but he touched my vagina with his hands.
maldor0r: hHahahahaa
hipre placer: i rubbed my hand on drew's face.
maldor0r: oh face
maldor0r: oh right ok.
maldor0r: ok.
maldor0r: hahahahaha
hipre placer: man, how weird is that?
maldor0r: that's the coolest conversation i've had in a few days.
hipre placer: we're awesome.
maldor0r: i know.
hipre placer: hahahah.
hipre placer: and like, this is completely normal for me.
maldor0r: HIGH FIVE LEAH
hipre placer: i'm not even creeped out.
maldor0r: no, i know.
maldor0r: you'd be my best friend if you lived in town and were human
maldor0r: LOL
maldor0r: wait hold on
hipre placer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
maldor0r: HAHA I LAUGH LIKE A
maldor0r: WHEN YOU TAKE A STRAW AND RUB IT IN THE LID
maldor0r: HAHAHAHAHA THAT'S HPOW I JUST LAUGHED
hipre placer: EEEEHEEEEEHEEEEE
hipre placer: all up and down high pitched.
maldor0r: FUck, i lost my magic.
maldor0r: i had internet magic.
hipre placer: it's okay, mr johnson.
maldor0r: it was like a bunch of symbols and i put it around words and it makes them magic.
maldor0r: i forget why i needed the magic anyway, but i know i need it a lot

CAVERNOUS CADAVERNOUS CHESTGINA
[dsgasdsa] i want to hollow out someone's chest, remove half their intestines to make room for the relocated heart, then stick a big plasma tv in their chest cavity facing outward
[dsgasdsa] they couldm ake do with one lung
[dsgasdsa] what have you done doctor i'm a television
[dsgasdsa] no james you're much more than that
[dsgasdsa] you're MY television
[dsgasdsa] channel 3 please

same beast, different heads

2007-02-07T15:54:15Z

[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Are you workin' hard or hardly workin' ha ha ha
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] That's just a little joke.
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Another day another dime, huh.
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Makeout booth in the boy's room, fellas.
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Free donuts in the breakroom.
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Someone brought in mood rings for everyone.
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Get 'em while they're hot.
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Is that a new blouse.
[BACONTWAT] wait aren't mood rings and donuts the same beast?
[l am the Curse] ugh i don't have any pepper juice
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Feel it, it's made out of despair.
[The Diary of Lisa Frank] Same beast, different heads.

[Wife Beater] You can find your pogo speed by dividing the energy expended with the height reached - to optimise your pogoing, select an area of the dancefloor away from others, to avoid bodily contact, which causes friction and may slow down your pogo.
The best pogoing footwear, or " Shocks" as they are colloquially known, are Dr. Marten's boots, which have an air-cushioned sole enabling a greater height to be reached as well as a more
When Pogoing, never, under any circumstances, permit the arms to be anything other than perpendicular with the contour of the body - this will unbalance your pogo rhythm and cause it to slow down.comfortable landing.
When Pogoing, never, under any circumstances, permit the arms to be anything other than perpendicular with the contour of the body - this will unbalance your pogo rhythm and cause it to slow down.
At the world Pogo Championships in 1977, Sid Vicious reached a speed of 60 pogos per minute, setting a new record that remains unbroken to this day.
Amateur pogoers are usually worn out at 30 pogos per minute.
Professionals can manage 45.
Drugs are not banned from competitive pogoing.They are encouraged.
Always remember, when pogoing, try to be near short people, so as to maximise the appearance of height reached.
A pogo is not a pogo unless all of both feet leave the floor - several punks have been disqualified from competition because they stood on toes and rocked up and down.
Male competitors are advised to avoid the Pogo Princess - a short, chubby, stocky girl, with chunky legs encased in horizontal wasp stripe stockings, and oversized combat boots, with dreadlocked unwashed hair.
Female competitors are advised to avoid the Pogo Prat - a tall, gangly, spotty boy, with drainpipe jeans that end above his ankle exposing an expanse of white socks that end in Converse All Star shoes instead of boots.
Thank you for listening and remember - Pogo safely.

How much do circumcisers earn?
[Wife Beater] $50 a head, plus tips.

dsg

2006-12-15T21:48:25Z

[dsgasdsa] in my nightmare i'm eating lunch only the lunch tastes bad
[dsgasdsa] then when i wake up i eat lunch and it tastes bad
[dsgasdsa] this is what people call hell
[Strawberry Flavoured Blood] That's true terror.
[Strawberry Flavoured Blood] You should write it, you may become the new H.P. Dsgasdsa.
[dsgasdsa] i'll write it after lunch

[lord ebm] gay

2006-11-17T18:50:44Z

mehico21: me and my friend jack were at college and we were in a lecture
mehico21: and this woman from reception came to the door and was like "jack? your mother's on the phone. she says its urgent"
mehico21: so he goes
mehico21: and she's all "JACK! YOU HAVE TO COME HOME! RIGHT NOW! ITS URGENT!"
mehico21: so he goes home (which is like 40 miles)
mehico21: and his mom is waiting in the driveway
mehico21: and she's all shaking and laughing and crying
mehico21: and she's like.
maldor0r: hahahhaa
mehico21: "ok. jack. i have something amazing to show you. come upstairs"
mehico21: so he follows her up to the computer room and is like "LOOK!!!"
mehico21: and she points at the screen and there is a pop up window that says "you have won £1 million"
mehico21: and she's all "we won!"
mehico21: i want to hug her.